NOLA Whys: A Comedy of Tragedies

NOLA WHYS: A Comedy of Tragedies

While the rest of NOLASKIES is devoted to a barrage of truly terrifying and nightmarish topics, NOLA Whys provides a little comic relief about our global “shituation.” It’s like The Onion, but more green. Like a Green Onion. Yeah, that’s as Southern as it gets. So read the rest of the articles then come back here and laugh it all off while you die a little inside.

Blue Bikes Sad

Blue Bikes Sad

In a “NOLA Whys” exclusive interview, whistle-blowing “Blue Bike” #0119 admits every “Blue Bike” in the city is literally, well, blue.

“We’re all just sad we were purposed for this. I was made from recycled scrap metal originally used to construct an art nouveau library in Ohio. The only thing I’m learning these days is that millennials do not wash “down there.” It’s smelly. But at least they take good care of their expensive, faux-vintage clothing. Levi’s is really upping their cotton game.”

Asked about the most saddening parts of it’s day, #0119 admitted, “Everything, just everything. We’re being whored out by the hour, just sets of junk after junk all over us, sweating profusely, often with little protection. Just yesterday a woman from Arkansas sat on me with a dress and no underwear at all. I mean, how does she even go about her day? Are they teaching kids how to wipe in school?? I mean, c’mon!”

Another Blue Bike who wished to keep it’s number anonymous, said, “I wish they would train these tourist how to park us. The worst offenders park horizontally on the bike rack. It’s so embarrassing to be on display like this for hours at a time. My picture was taken by a local and shared on social media, and I just cringe every time I see it re-posted. Who doesn’t know how to park a bike?? Most people, apparently. I mean, come on!”

Asked if there were any redeeming qualities to the new roll-out of blue bikes across the city, #0119 said, “Not really. We pretty much know an area is going to be gentrified if we aren’t used for the first few weeks we are there. It’s like we are the new hipsters. We show up, the locals know they’re screwed. Residents just walk by, shaking their heads. I know the gutter punks would graffiti the hell out of us if they could, but the crime strobes the city install at the same time as us bikes keeps them away. I would really welcome a new paint job. Seriously, somebody rent me and paint me. I hate myself and I want to die.”

Asked if any locals were taking advantage of the service, #0119 said, “Yeah, just this morning a very nice young woman with underwear and soft, thick Dockers rode me from Mid-City to the Quarter. She was on the phone the entire time with Blue Cross trying to get some life-threatening issue covered. Poor thing was pleading, crying—she was a mess. Doctor after doctor delaying her treatment, phone rep after phone rep denying her coverage. I can’t imagine what she is going through. I literally can’t imagine. I don’t have a brain. How are we even doing this interview? This is ridiculous.”

(*Editors note: The original author admits this article is entirely made up. Science has not yet proved that inanimate objects have consciousness.)

Rumors are spreading that Blue Cross is about to unveil the new “Cabrini Harbor,” using Bayou St. John’s Cabrini Bridge as a port for a fleet of “Blue Yachts” aimed at the new gentrifying Air-B-n-B hopping elite. #0199 ended our interview saying, “Yeah, those kids have money to burn, and it’s a good thing because that’s what the Blue Yachts will run on. That and the tears of local artists. So they’ll have fuel until the last artist is displaced, so, like, by this coming August.”

A sad blue bike.

Blue Bike #0119.

A Blue Bike who wished to remain anonymous.

Proposed site of the new “Cabrini Harbor.”

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